Date: Fri, 01 Sep 2000 14:37:13 EDT From: luvjc no1fan Subject: Heartstrings / Chapter Four Okay, so I Have completely slowed down recently. This is mostly due to an absolutely crazy July, which spilled over into August. I am gonna try and be better, but no promises due to school starting back up this week. This is my first story so I love getting feedback on what people like/dislike about the story so far. My name is Richard and my email is n_luvjc@hotmail.com. I will repeat the info at the end of the story for your comments, etc. The title of this story reflects that it is a love story and since it revolves around the guys from 'N Sync, I combined 'Tearing up my Heart' with 'No Strings Attached'. As a FYI, I am writhing this story I most enjoy stories - good characters, good story and good sex (but later) I will switch around the focus of the story giving each character a chance to develop. They will all have their secrets that will unfold as the story goes along, but then again don't we all have our little secrets. But I can assure you that they won't all have the same secret. As for the formalities: This story is not intended to imply anything about the sexual orientation of the members of 'N SYNC. This story is fiction and meant for amusement only. If you shouldn't be reading this because of your age, where you live, etc. don't. If you are offended by male-male relationships/sex then this isn't the story for you. "Damn!" JC curses. "Ignore it!" Justin orders Lance as he reaches for the phone. "That's okay J. I can wait. Go ahead and find out who it is Scoop." JC says. The guys watch as Lance begins a conversation only to get angry immediately. Joey hears Lance say "what happened to us having two weeks off?" and groans... "shit, I was really looking forward to having some time off too." Justin is still looking at JC intently with concern in his eyes. Noticing his gaze, JC smiles and whispers to his friend "I'm really okay J. Thanks for being concerned, but let's find out what Lance has to say." Lance finishes the conversation saying "well, I guess we have no choice then do we?" and then proceeds to slam the phone down. Rage flashes over his green eyes, and they darken to the shade of a stormy sea. He turns to his friends and updates them on what he found out from the phone call. "Management has revoked our time off," he begins. "They want us to increase our visibility before the music awards that we're scheduled to perform on. Does anyone want the run down of what we'll be doing?" The rest of the bandmates nod their heads. Well, except for Joey, who whispers to Chris "what music awards show?" "MTV music awards Joe." Lance says answering for Chris. They're making a big deal out of it being on 9.9.99. We're supposed to perform 'Tearing up my heart' and it is possible that we may do some kind of duet with Britney." "Well it will be nice to see Brit, but how are we supposed to spend the next month 'increasing our visibility' and working up an entirely new routine... not to mention that I am SICK of 'Tearing up my heart'." Justin says chiming in, "I mean we have performed it like what... a billion times. "Yeah... you'd think by now, JC would have finally understood why you two can't be lovers!" Joey sings imitating JC's part at the beginning of the song. Chris peals with laughter and gasps "good one Joe". Justin laughs too, but quickly notices that JC is not laughing and stops. He shoots his best friend a questioning look, but his gaze is only met with a shake of JC's head and a pleading look in his eyes. Justin nods in agreement as he instinctively knows that his friend is silently saying 'not now'. "If the children are finished playing, I will continue." Lance says trying unsuccessfully, to look annoyed. Lance proceeds to run down a list of scheduled activities that made them all tired just hearing about it. They are going to do a whirlwind of appearances and performances. One day they have to be on the east coast in the morning and then the west coast in the evening. "Who the hell does Lou think he is!" Chris yells. "That's ridiculous!" Joey adds. "That's management." Lance states. "Are you saying that we should do something about it?" "Like what?" JC asks. "Scoop, are you suggesting that we leave Transcon and Lou?" "Lou is a snake that only uses us to get what he wants!" Justin snapps. Justin's eyes flash with fury as his gaze met the astonished faces of his four bandmates. Justin is normally very quiet and goes along with whatever is going on, but he surprises them all with his outburst. "J what's up? It's not like you to be so cold." JC asks. "JC, trust me you don't really want to know what's up with Lou; but trust me... all that 'Papa Lou' crap is nothing but shit. He's just a user. He uses us for his own means. He makes money off of us. Do we ever see any? No! He uses us to feel young and hip and sexy. He's a bastard!" Justin is screaming by this point and his eyes were full of tears. 'Damn' he thinks to himself, 'I'm going to lose it right here in front of the guys'. "Justin, where is all of this coming from?" JC asks moving closer to his friend. "Shit! Never mind guys, I'm just frustrated. I was really looking forward to having some time off. I'm sorry Lance. Please continue." Justin says regaining composure. He moves off to the window and looks out, breathing slowly, getting himself together. JC moves with him and comes up silently beside his best friend. "You sure J?" JC questions. "It seems like you were really upset" "Sorry to fly off like that man... don't know what came over me. Like you said before I'm really okay." Justin says putting on his best smile. JC winces as his own words are turned against him. "Okay" he says. "But please let me know if you need to talk" "Same could be said for you bro." Justin responds. "You obviously had something you wanted to talk about, and you know I got your back." "Thanks bro" JC smiles. They turn and head back to their friends/bandmates, who, of course, have been eavesdropping on their whole conversation. "So, what's first Scoop?" Justin asks breaking the silence. "Meet and greet this afternoon and we leave for Chicago tonight. We'll be in New York the next day and in California by the weekend." Lance says as he organized everything in his calendar. "Jesus, no rest for the wicked," Joey says as he punches Chris in the arm playfully. "Hey, speak for yourself!" Chris retorts. =================================================== The meet and greet goes smoothly. The fans always are made to feel appreciated, for they are. Each fan is appreciated. They truly are. The guys are just tired... and needing some space to figure some things out. =================================================== Justin sits in his seat on the plane with his laptop connected to his cell phone. Lance is the only one still awake, but he is staring straight ahead ignoring the book in his lap. 'What's going on with him' Justin wonders. 'He's so together all the time, but there is something in him that is troubled. I don't know how I know, but I can just tell. He takes on such responsibility with us and pushes himself so hard. I just hope he is not running from something inside himself. I certainly know what that's all about.' His blue eyes mist as he scans his email for messages. He pushes up his small round glasses and wipes his eyes. "keep it together just" he whispers to himself. He has about a dozen emails. The first has something about 'Tifany's tight ass and live free sex' in the subject line. He presses delete without even opening the message. 'would the tabloids love to see that,' he thinks. 'Teen idol's addiction to porn... film at eleven.' He silently curses both the damn spam sites that sent him all those unsolicited emails and also the world in general for him having to care about what people think. 'I wouldn't trade my life for the world,' he muses 'but sometimes it just gets so tiring being Justin Timberlake all the time'. He feels guilty as soon as he thinks it and silently issues an apology to the fates. He loves being in the band and loves that they are so popular right now. It is what he has always dreamed of, but sometimes he does think about what life would be like if he were someone different. At that moment his eyes catch site of another email. It is from Tay! His hand hesitates for a second before he opens the email. =================================================================== Randy, Hope you don't mind the email. I got your address by looking up your information last night in the chat room. I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed meeting you and felt a connection with you. Don't worry I'm not going to start stalking you or anything. I just wanted to let you know that you don't have to carry this alone anymore. I can be here for you as much as you would like me to be. Well that's all I'll say for now... not even sure if this address works. I hope to hear back from you or see you soon in the chat room. Take care, Tay ===================================================================== Justin's mind swells as he reads the email and weighs the words in his mind. 'Had Tay really felt the connection that he had?' 'Do I want to acknowledge that connection myself?' The guys in the room had assured him that being abused couldn't make you gay... this is almost more than he could bear. Justin has always found an obscene comfort in being able to tell himself that his feelings and attractions are just the result of that bastard raping him. 'How absurd is that?' His mind calms as his finger moves the pointer over and clicks on reply. ===================================================================== Tay, Thank you so much for taking the time to email me. I don't mind one bit. As a matter of fact, I could really use someone to talk to. Would you mind if I bent your ear a bit? Since you can't answer, I am going to have to go on the assumption that you said no just now :) The thing is that I have pushed these thoughts out of my head for so long. But they are getting harder and harder to ignore. And after talking last night, they are consuming me. It is like that flood that that guy, Richard, was talking about. I feel like I am being swept away, and I can't remember how to swim. How can I deal with this? Somehow I am guessing that you are saying keep talking... so okay... here goes... the abuse is one thing... that pain has almost been forgotten, well okay it hasn't but let's pretend it has... what has been driving me mad recently is that I find myself being attracted to guys. Like I want to be with them and have them love me back. I had been able to convince myself that it was a side-effect of the abuse, but last night Tim said that that was absolutely not true. Now what am I supposed to think??? I suppose this means I am gay. Wow! I can't believe I just typed that and didn't erase it. Maybe I won't send you this email. Maybe I will and see if you hate me. please don't hate me. Maybe you can explain why I am talking to you so much when my best friend, someone I have known for years and I love like a brother doesn't know any of this. Why are these words so easy with you? I know your words touched me as I read them last night, but is that enough to bare my soul to you? I guess it is. I only hope you will take care with a very fragile soul right now. I just read over this and feel embarrassed and stupid. I have been rambling on and on... I reached to delete it but realized that I was just scared... so, I am going to send it now before I lose my nerve. Take care and talk to you soon I hope. Randy ====================================================================== 'SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT' is the only thing that Justin could think. Here I am practically declaring my love for this guy when I have a) never met him and 2) am not sure I am even gay. 'Why me' Justin silently screams in frustration. His plea is enigmatically answered by the plane beginning to plummet toward the earth. ======================================================================= Lance finally blinks. His eyes hurt from the strain of staring at nothing for too long and too hard. The more the days wear on, the more tired he is, and the more difficult it is to keep all of these thoughts at bay. 'I can't believe I am still letting that dream bother me so much.' Lance thinks. 'It doesn't mean a thing!' Lance's thoughts are strident as he try to convince himself something that is so hard to deny. He silently begins to pray again. His prayer is one of sorrow and sadness. He wishes to be freed from his burden. "Scoop?" JC asks quietly as he slips into the seat next to Lance. Lances eyes fly open, and he reels around to face his band mate. "What the hell are you doing?" he says through clenched teeth. His mind is chaos as he attempts to regain his composure. 'Did he hear anything I said?' 'Is god testing me?' 'I shouldn't say too much' 'God his eyes are blue' JC recoils slightly at the sting in Lance's words. "Easy bro, you looked upset, and I thought I would check on you is all. I'll leave you alone if you want me to." "JC, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped like that. You startled me is all." Lance says regaining his focus. "And thanks for asking about me, but I'm fine." "You are doing a good impersonation of not fine then Scoop." JC replies, "I didn't realize you were that good of an actor." Lance's lips tighten in frustration and tension. "JC, please, just let it drop." "I don't think you want me to let it drop Lance." JC continues, "In fact, I think you are dying to talk to someone; and who better than me?" "JC, trust me in many ways you are exactly who I shouldn't be talking to but am desperate to talk to at the same time." Lance says as his eyes fill with tears and he turns to stare out the window seeing nothing but dark skies. Tears immediately turn JC's eyes to stormy oceans as he reaches out his hand and places it on his friend's shoulder. "Lance, I'm not real sure how to respond to that. I know I am curious about what you mean, but I can also feel that you need to be able to tell me this in your own time and at your own pace. Just trust me when I say that I am more than willing to be there for you, bro." JC's words act as a healing salve. Lance's tension filled body tightens then goes slack as he feels the comfort and kindness in his friend's words. "JC, sometimes it is so hard to keep everything together, you know?" Seeing his friend nod, Lance continues, "It is so hard being in the public. We both know that. But, constantly feeling on display and having to hold things back is killing me JC." "Lance, you're words could be my own. It is something I face everyday. All I know is that I've decided that I can't be completely alone if I have you and the other guys to go through it with me. I've been holding too much inside too bro, that's what I was going to talk about this morning until management interrupted me." "That's just it JC! Even when I want to talk and possibly open up I am always interrupted or something. Management cares nothing about us as people. Sometimes I feel like Lou's whore." Lance bit off the words as he spoke. JC blinked as he heard his friend. Lance doesn't speak harshly that often and almost never swears. For him to feel this strongly meant it really bothered him. "I'm right there next to you Lance, spread-eagle and naked." He replies. "ummm.. errr.. huh?" Lance finally manages. His confusion is brought about by the distraction of the image of spread eagle and naked flashes through his brain. 'Does he know about my dream?' he thinks momentarily before realizing that he couldn't possibly know. "Sorry, Lance too graphic I guess." JC stutters. He couldn't believe he had said that. 'Sure I'm planning to tell the guys I'm gay, but I don't want Lance to know that I'm a slut too.' JC thinks, punishing himself for his words. "What I was trying to say was that I feel the same way. About being Lou's whore." "Oh." Lance said. He surprises himself by realizing his disappointment that JC meant that it platonically. "And, if they are not whisking us off to god knows where, then they are putting us on display for all to see. JC, I'm so tired all the time. At night I don't sleep, I fall into a coma. How much longer can we keep this up?" Lance's question goes unanswered as the pilot's voice comes over the intercom announcing that they were coming in for a landing, but will have to go through some turbulence, as there was a storm below them. "See what I mean!" he announces. "Another interruption." "You're right Lance in that we were interrupted," JC says smiling, "but, I fully intend on getting you to open up even more. I for one enjoyed it. If nothing else, I got to hear that someone else feels the same way I do and most of all, I got to know a friend a little bit better, which is always good." Before Lance could say another word the plane jolted as they began to hit the turbulence. It feels for a moment that the plane is falling from the sky and JC and Lance instinctively clutch each other's hands. Neither can enjoy the contact with the other for the plane continues to shake and list. JC closes his eyes and offers up a prayer to St. Christopher. Lance too is praying when he realizes that this is his entire fault! If he hadn't been having these feelings about his band mate, god wouldn't be punishing him right now. He snatches his hand away from JC and puts both of his hands in his lap. He silently is pleading his apology for his sins to the heavens as the plane emerges from the turbulence and levels off before safely landing. The pilots voice comes back on announcing his apology for the rough ride and marveling at the miraculous clearing of the weather right before they landed. "The heavens must have decided to smile on us after all" the Pilot remarks. Lance has firmed his conviction back in himself by the time the plane has reached its gate. 'I can not let myself slip like that again' he silently scolds himself. JC remains sitting by his friend as the plane taxies toward the gate. 'What did I do wrong?' he wonders, for it is obvious that Lance has shut him out and shut himself down. JC actually has to sit on his own hands to prevent himself for reaching out to Lance. 'Oh Lance, if I could only hold you.' ================================================================= The next few hours blur into the next few days, which quickly become weeks. The band has done 30 or more appearances and 20 or more performances in that time. Every day management has added on another scheduled gig. Their only explanation being that it is imperative to increase the band's visibility before the MTV awards. Nearing exhaustion and fighting the heat of August across the country, leave the band ill tempered and on the verge of mutiny. JC lost his nerve to come out to his band mates. Actually, more accurately he lost the energy. He simply did not want to have to deal with any fall-out at this time. He could barely get out of bed in the morning. The last thing he needed was the drama that would probably unfold. Joey would probably stick by him. Joey was the most down-to-earth person he had ever known. If prejudice existed inside of Joseph Fatone's body, JC certainly had never seen it. He was comfortable around men, women, gay, straight, black or white. Justin's reaction worried JC some. He had been like a big brother to J since, well, forever and was hoping that Justin wouldn't feel too hurt by him keeping this from him. Lance and Chris were harder to read. Chris could be a roller coaster of emotions and unpredictable. Lance. Lance worried him most of all. His background is so conservative and sheltered. His faith is so important to him, and the messages that it sends about gay people are not very positive. Lance worried him most of all because he wanted to be accepted by Lance most of all. Justin did worry him too though. In the past couple of weeks he had seemed to withdraw some. Every time JC thought to look for him, Justin was typing away at his computer. A pang of guilt hits JC's heart as he thinks this for he realizes that in reality he hadn't looked for Justin much recently. His own worries had weighed on his mind so much that he realized he had sorely neglected his best friend. He silently makes a mental note to check on Justin as soon as he can. Of course at the minute, he is about to run on stage one more time. "Hackey!" Chris shouts as they finally, successfully, complete a round. The group briefly hugs each other and runs out on stage and begins to sing. 'Damn it is hot today' JC thinks. They are performing outside in the full sun on an August day at 4pm. 'The management doesn't care one bit about us as people' he thinks. 'Hell... They don't even care about us as an investment.' JC attention is briefly distracted by Lance who appears to be stumbling. He has dark circles under his green eyes and his complexion is no longer alabaster. He is white! JC's attention snaps back to the audience as he begins 'Tearin up My Heart'. He normally faces the audience and picks out a sweet looking girl to sing to as he begins. He never wants to encourage the trampy girls who come in tank tops and scream their undying love. The shy girl standing in those girls' shadow always touches his heart. It is her day that JC wants to brighten. JC couldn't help but break his gaze with the young girl as he starts 'Baby, I don't understand... why we can't be lovers...'. His thoughts right then are of Lance. He turns slightly to catch a glimpse of his band mate and is horrified by what he sees. Time slows to a crawl as JC watches Lance collapse. He is dangerously near the edge of the stage as he falls. JC screams and moves toward him but is not able to catch him before he hits the floor of the stage. JC is able to grab him just in time to prevent him from rolling over the edge of the elevated stage. The other guys don't realize anything is wrong until they see JC dive for Lance. Time stops for each of them for a moment and then all hell breaks loose. Medics appear from nowhere and whisk Lance off stage. The rest of the boys follow closely behind. "What happened?" Chris asks, putting words to everyone's thoughts. "I don't know," JC snaps. "I saw him start to fall and dove for him." "You probably saved his life bro," Justin interrupts. "He was about to fall over the edge and the drop would have severely hurt if not killed him." "I would do anything for Lance," JC responds and then quickly adds. "Anything for any of you." "We know JC," Justin says putting his arm over his best friends shoulder. "Let's find out how Scoop is." The medics are rushing around Lance and one cuts off his shirt revealing his chest. JC tries not to gasp as he sees the color of Lance's skin. He is so white, and he cannot even tell if Lance is breathing. One of the medics is starting an IV in Lance's right arm, and JC has to close his eyes when the needle pierces the skin. "Mr. Bass will probably be okay, but we need to get him to an emergency room stat. He is probably suffering from exhaustion but it could be heat stroke. We'll know more as soon as we can get him to the hospital." "You four get back on stage, and I will go with Lance to the hospital" one of the management suits begins to say. "The HELL I am going back out on that stage and perform while my friend lies in a hospital. I am going with him and that is final. Even if that means I have to run you down in the process little man!" JC's seldom seen anger flares. The suit backs up slightly and opens his mouth only to be interrupted by Joey, Chris and Justin chiming in echoing JC's words. "We're all going" the three of them concluded. "No guys you need to stay here and finish the show or at least a few more numbers. Those kids have paid money and waited in line. We can't just ditch them. I know it will be hard, but please do what you can. I'll go with Lance and you three come as soon as the concert is over." JC says in his calmest voice. "Okay JC," Justin concedes. "but let us know if anything is ... well... if anything... you know happens" Tears filled JC's eyes as he gave Justin a quick hug. "I will bro" The ride to the hospital was about as thrilling as a train wreck. The emergency room was filled with horrors that he couldn't begin to comprehend. The suit insisted on coming with them and actually turned out to be useful because JC forced him to deal with all the paperwork and the press. 'Management was actually doing something useful for a change.' An eternity passed before he heard anything about Lance. The doctor says that it wasn't heat stroke though. 'Thank the saints!' but Lance was badly dehydrated and exhausted. He had woken up briefly but had passed out again. He was on fluids and would probably be waking up soon. "Oh Lance," JC says sitting by his friend's bed. "You had me so worried, but the doctor says you are going to be fine. You will have to rest about a week though. Hell, you are probably just looking out for the rest of us because you know we need a break too." Tears are flowing down JC's cheeks now and the words are being interrupted by sobs. "I would have never forgiven myself if anything happened to you Scoop. I love you. I can't believe I was able to just say that. I have loved you for so long and wanted to say it to you. You are truly the most interesting and strong, caring man I have ever known. I used to try and convince myself that I loved you the way I love the rest of the guys, but it is different. I am IN love with you. I know you are not gay like me, and I promise to never let you be hurt again. I will rip those suits apart before I let that happen again. I don't know if I will ever get the courage to tell you again how I feel, but at least I was finally able to say it in the same room as you. Who knows? Maybe someday I could even say it when you are not in a coma." JC can not go on any further. His emotions are too powerful. His shoulders heave with his sobs. The fear and frustration of the past few hours pour out of him as the relief takes over that the man he loves will be okay. He puts his head in his hands and sobs. What he cannot see is that Lance's eyes are now open and rage is flashing across his face... Well, that's the forth Chapter. Sorry it took so long to get posted... Please let me know if you like it so far. any suggestions you have as to where to go with the storylines. again my email is n_luvjc@hotmail.com I want to thank everyone who emailed me their reactions to the first chapter. I was truly touched by your kindness. I want to thank Tommie and Clive for not only their friendship, but also their proofreading. I am a fan of too many stories to list them all, but my tried and true series that I eagerly await are: Nsync Lance and JC - Kevin... you better get JC and Lance back together!!! search and rescue - Matt... you better not let Matt die on the floor. not meant to be - Kyle... you better not let JC and Kyle break up. Nick and Justin - Keep up the good work! Josh and Just - Get rid of that bitch Stacey!!! but those are just a few! Some new ones I have just discovered are: Beneath it all & Mirrors - we're all grateful that Scotty is writing again... both stories are great and look like they are going to be the same caliber as LISA. More recent discoveries are: Tale of two Boybands (Aphrodite... keep JC and Justin together), Tears in your Eyes (can't wait to see where this is going), Remembering Petticoat Lane, and the wonderful Superman Cant Fly (Dayse, how are you doing on the sequel?)