How Can You Love Me?

First chapter:
-Anywhere but here...Joey thought to himself. -I don’t care if it’s on the top
of a
erupting volcano, I’d rather be there than here... He knew that if he turned
away from
the window he would see his best friend Chris looking at him. Only that he
wasn’t sure
if Chris were his best friend anymore, he wasn’t even sure if Chris wanted to
be his
friend at all. Not anymore.
The last days had been pure hell to get through. Chris knew about Joey being
gay and
had promised to let him tell the other guys when Joey felt it was the right
time. But
Joey had been keeping a secret from Chris too, all the way up till three days
ago. He
could understand that Chris was hurt for Joey not telling him, but he couldn’t
understand the amount of anger coming from his friend. It had taken Joey a lot
of
nerve to tell Chris and when Chris exploded and started yelling at him, Joey
was in a
state of shock.
The story begun nearly exactly a year ago. Joey had been seeing this guy, who
was a
friend of Chris. Chris were the one who brought them together, and Joey and
Jim
looked like the perfect couple. They had been together for a long time, untill
the day
came that Joey suddenly broke out of the relationship. Chris was dumbfounded,
he
never would have expected something like that from Joey, and were completely
on
Jim’s side, who seemed to be devastated.
Chris’ anger grew when Joey couldn’t explain why he had left Jim, the only
answer
anyone would get out of him was an ‘I don’t wanna talk about it’ and a pained
expression in his brown eyes.
As time moved on, so did they. Jim disappeared out of their lives, Joey would
start
behaving normal again; well, normal for him anyway, and Chris would eventually
forget just what he was mad at Joey for, just like he always did.
Everything was fine, Joey had convinced himself, the past is gone and
forgotten.
A small sigh escaped him as he remembered, the past was never dead, it was
just
lurking in the shadows. Just to come back and attack you when you were at your
most
vulnerable. Oh, he had moved on with his life. In the public eye no one could
ever tell
the difference before and after what had happened to him. He was the happy,
wild and
smiley Joey, the one they were expecting to see. For the guys he was their
friend,
striving so hard to not let the act slip and make them worry. To himself he
were just a
mess. After having spent six months in a nightmare, he kinda saw that coming.
It had been six new months now, and he was on his own. Being the outragous
flirt that
he was, Joey had a lot of people pass through his life. They all were gone
again
quickly, either because Joey lost interest or they came too close. Either way,
Joey
would suddenly not be anywhere to be found anymore and they would eventually
take
the hint and leave.
Joey couldn’t stand the idea of being involved with someone again, he knew it
was
stupid to think that it would be the same as with Jim, but he just couldn’t
let it go.
Being as busy as he was and since the boys and him rarely spent too much time
in one
place, it made it easy for him to make a clean break when he needed to.
But every once in a while somebody would come along who got to Joey, making
him
think of what could be, if only not... Those were the times he ran fastest,
not sure what
he was most scared of. Going back in the past, or his own feelings.
Six months ago, at one of the darkest, most lonely times in his life, Joey had
swore to
never ever let himself fall in love again. The hurt just wasn’t worth it.
Spending six months in a solitairy turmoil of emotions that didn’t get their
needed
release wore Joey down pretty quick. His four closest friends were starting to
pick up
signs that told them not everything was OK with Joey, that he was hiding
something
from them. Something bad.
Chris being the closest to him would try to make him tell him. At that point
Joey was
about to tell Justin, Lance and JC that he was gay, just to get them off his
case.
But Chris already knew that, and also knew that Joey was dealing very well
with it too.
So it wouldn’t work on him, besides Joey desperately felt the need to tell
someone.
Just speak the dreaded words aloud, making them appear outside his own head.
Maybe forcing them out in the light, for others to see, would make them less
menacing.
So one late night, Joey told Chris. He told him about being in an abusive
relationship
with someone he had thought he loved and who Chris looked on as a very good
friend.
And he told him about the rapes.
At first Chris had only sat there, looking at him. Disbelief in his eyes. Joey
was so
nervous that he thought he was going to throw up. -Please don’t be mad at me,
he said
softly to the other man, -I couldn’t stay with him. Chris didn’t answer him,
just stared
at him, not showing any of the emotions Joey had hoped for.
Instead his facial expression hardened. -I don’t believe you, he said flatly.
Curling up in the recliner, Joey felt a sharp pain in his chest, talking about
this brought
back too many ghosts. The past had regained it’s grip on him, so he was nearly
anticipating Chris’ words. It still hurt, though.
-Jim couldn’t have done that, Chris continued, disgust in his voice. -He loved
you,
Joey, you broke his heart when you dumped him. Don’t you dare do this to him
when
he isn’t here to defend himself.
Joey couldn’t be more happy that Jim wasn’t around anymore. But he couldn’t
defend
himself either, he just curled up and went deep into his mind to the place he
would
always go whenever he felt threathened. If Chris treated him like this after
Joey told
him, than he guessed Jim had been right all along. He deserved it.
Chris looked at Joey trying to hide in the big chair, for an instance he
nearly changed
his mind. Sometimes was clearly not right with Joey, it hadn’t been for a long
time.
But he had to be lying about Jim, Chris knew Jim, he could never be so cruel
to
anyone. Especially not Joey, Jim had loved Joey.
The tension grew between the boys. Chris would have anger all over his face
when
seeing Joey and Joey would hide from him. The day after Joey had told Chris
the truth
about Jim and him, he came out to the three others.
Three pairs of eyes were locked at him. Lance’s eyes were light green,
sparkling
brightly, like his personality. He were the first to recover and ran over to
Joey and
hugged him tightly. -You’ll always be my Joey, he said, smiling, -nothing’s
gonna
change that.
For the first time in ages, Joey felt himself relaxing just a bit. Justin were
next, his eyes
a shade of clear blue. Joey had to smile when the younger man threw himself at
Joey,
hugging him breathless. Always the emotional one...
Joey looked up and met the crystal blue gaze of JC. -Please don’t be mad at
me, Joey
whispered, the words were out of his mouth before he could think, as JC wasn’t
saying
anything. JC closed the gap of space between them. Gently he ran his hand
through
Joey’s hair and let it rest on his neck. -I could never be angry with you,
Joe, he said
warmly, -you’ll always be my best friend. He embraced Joey, pulled him into a
soothing hug that lasted longer than the other. Joey relaxed against JC,
feeling a small
tingle of exitement rush through his body accompanied with something new. He
closed
his eyes, wondering where he would run away to this time.
Chris hadn’t said something at all. Joey quickly told them that Chris had
known all
along, he didn’t want any question about why Chris all of a sudden was
treating him
like a stranger. They knew about Chris’ and Joey’s longstanding friendship and
accepted that.
His three friends’ acceptance and support for him still couldn’t wipe away the
feelings
that were eating away at Joey. He hated himself for not being able to trust
them, but he
knew what kinda person he was. How could anybody care for him? He had been
told
over and over again that he didn’t deserve to be loved, that he wasn’t worth
it.
Joey was rapidly entering a backwards spiral to the past, right back to the
place he had
escaped months ago. And it was slowly killing him.
And here he was, in a room of a hotel he hated, in a town he didn’t even
remember the
name of, with his former friend who seemed to hate him. But hey, that’s life,
aint it?
Joey was approaching the point where he would either turn away from the window
or
jump out of it.
He chose to turn around and met Chris’ eyes. Now he was reconsidering his
decision.
-Please talk to me, Chris, he said, needing to clean away the anger from his
friend’s
face. -Forget I ever told you, it was stupid of me... -Yeah, Joey, it was,
Chris
answered. -And no, I can’t forget it, I never would have suspected you do to
something that low, Joey.
Tears were forming in Joey’s eyes. He had fooled himself all this time, he
should have
stayed with Jim. Jim knew him and knew he had to be punished for being bad.
Why did
Joey ever think that he would deserve something better?
Unable to look Chris in the eyes anymore, he stared at the floor, tears
falling heavily.
-I know, he said, barely audible. Chris wasn’t sure if Joey was talking to him
or to
himself. -I’ve been bad, I deserve this... It wasn’t exactly the words that
set all of
Chris’ alarms off, it was the utter defeat in Joey’s voice. And it didn’t
sound new
either. -Joey, he started and moved over the the other man. Only to have Joey
moving
away from him hurridly.
Joey knew he had to be punished, but this was Chris. He couldn’t take this, he
couldn’t
take his oldest, dearest friend to be the one to punish him. Lost in a haze of
guilt, fear
and complete sadness Joey turned from Chris and ran out of the room. Chris was
calling his name, Joey still ran. After this, he could never come back, he had
to leave all
this behind. The pain was back as he saw a familiar, loved face in his mind.
His hands
frantically tore the door open, he had to run, he had to get away.

Chapter two:
Even how bad and guilty he was feeling, Chris knew he had to talk to the
others about
Joey. Too much time had gone since Joey had ran away, and Chris had no idea
where
he was.
He mentally kicked himself for not believing in Joey. Had he ever lied to him
before?
Had he ever done anything to hurt anyone before? Chris felt like a total creep
for
taking a person he hadn’t seen or talked to in ages’ words over his best
friend’s.
Worry was starting to mix in with his other emotions. That look on Joey’s face
as
Chris had come closer to him, it had been fear. -Some psychologist you turned
out to
be, Chris thought bitterly to himself. -Some friend you turned out to be...
You wouldn’t belive Joey ‘cos it meant dealing with the guilt you’ve been
carrying
around after seeing how unhappy Joey were with Jim, and for treating him like
shit
when he finally got out. He ran his hand through his dark hair. -If I ever see
Jim again,
I swear to God I’ll kill him with my bare hands.
Lance entered the room, but stopped as he saw the expression on Chris’ face.
-Whoa!
he said, -whoever’s caused that look, is sooo dead! Chris stared hard at him,
making
Lance feel a little unsure. Then Chris sighed. -Get the others, Lance, we need
to talk.
Lance knew something serious was up and got JC and Justin. -I couldn’t find
Joey, he
said as he came back. -I know, Chris told him. -He’s the reason that we need
to talk.
-What’s wrong? JC said, -is Joey OK? -I don’t know, Chris had to admit. -He
stormed
out of here this morning and I haven’t seen him since.
Before Chris, or anybody, could say anything else, JC was on his feet. -He has
been
gone since this morning and now you tell us!?! What the hell did you do to
him, Chris?
And don’t think I haven’t noticed the lousy way you’ve been treating him
lately.
Ashamed Chris couldn’t answer. JC looked furious, which he was. Without
another
word, he grabbed his jacket and was gone.
-What’s going on here? Justin asked Chris. The youngest member of the group
hated
arguing and looked as he were on the verge of tears. Lance gave him a quick
hug. -It’ll
be OK, curly, he reassured him. Looking at them, Chris hoped so bad that Lance
was
right. But something told him that it wouldn’t be OK, not even close.
He realized that both Lance and Justin were waiting for his reply. -Something
happened to Joey for about a year ago, he started. -Something bad.
You both remember Jim? he looked at them again. -Yes, Justin simply said.
Lance
wrinkled his brows. -The guy with the attitude? Yeah, I remember him.
-Attitude? Chris asked puzzled. -He acted like he owned Joey, I kinda guessed
that
they were a couple, Lance explained, his look clearly gave away that he hadn’t
been all
too fond of Jim. -If any of us got close to Joey, Jim would freak. He was SO
not good
for our Joey. Lance wasn’t just protective of Justin, he would kick whoever
that
messed with his friends’ ass.
Lance looked into Chris’ eyes, scared over the hurt he found there. -Oh my
God, he
silently said, -what exactly did he do to Joey?
Chris told them what Joey had confided in him with. Justin was angry. -How
could you
not believe him? he yelled at Chris, now the tears were streaming down his
cheeks.
At that point Chris felt his own tears starting to spill. -I don’t know! he
answered. -I
guess I didn’t want to, Jim was my friend, remember? -Joey is your friend too,
Lance
said softly, but with a new egde in his voice.
-I didn’t want to believe him, ‘cos I hate myself for letting that happen to
him, OK?
Chris were practically screaming. -I was the one that got them together, and
at first
Joey seemed to be so happy about him and Jim. Then he started to change and I
could
see that he was miserable, but Jim kept telling me that everything was fine.
By the time Joey left him, I had managed to make myself believe in Jim’s lies.
-But why didn’t he tell any of us? Justin asked. -We’d help him, none of us
would let
anybody hurt him. -Jim never let us near him, Lance said, turning to look at
Chris
again. -And I think Joey was too afraid or too ashamed to tell us. -You’re
right, Chris
sighed, -about both. Lance had a worried look in his eyes. -Well, at least
he’s free from
Jim now. -No, he‘s not, Chris said slowly, approaching the subject that scared
him the
most. -Joey is not at all free from Jim. He continued, feeling his mind slip
into
therapist-mode. -Being in an abusive relationship really messes with your
mind. Most
victims start to believe what the abusive part tells them, they actually start
to believe
that they are worthless and deserve being physically and mentally abused. And
like in
Joey’s case, it didn’t stop with the beatings. Rape is actually very common in
these
kinds of relationship even though many victims convinces themselves that it
wasn’t
rapes, that they somehow consented.
-Good Lord, Lance whispered. -tell me he’s not still there, that he’s not
still believing
what that asshole told him? -I’m afraid he is, Chris got out, -and I think I
may have
made it a whole lot worse too. He started acting strange, being really
submissive and I
tried to get close to him. That scared him. I think that was what made him run
away.
-Joey actually thought you were going to hurt him? Justin asked, -but that is
crazy!
-His heart knows I would never lay a hand on him, Chris said, rubbing his
cheeks to
get the tears away, -but right now his mind is playing tricks on him.
A silence fell over the room as the three boys thought over what had been
revealed to
them. This was about as true a test of friendship as they came.

JC  had been driving around for hours. The weather hadn’t improved at all,
making
him even more worried about Joey. He hadn’t taken his jacket with him and the
temperature was freezing. The rain was falling heavily as it had done all day.
In the
horizont black clouds were tugging at their restraints, ready to attack the
city.
A sweeping wind blew cascades of water at the car’s windows, a storm was
coming in
fast. The sensible thing would be to get home and leave it to the police to
find Joey,
but JC refused to give up. Neither of them knew the town, so he kept driving
to every
place he thought Joey would feel safe in.
He went through every park he could find, searched every coffeeshop, every
place
there was a slight hope Joey would be in. Frustrated and scared JC had reached
the
harbour. Cursing the rain that blurred his sight, he slowed the car down,
looking over
the now silent area.
His heart gave a slight jump as he saw a familiar figure sitting on a bench
near the
water. The wawes nearly hit his feet as they threw themselves at the egde of
the
harbour. JC was out of the car in a heartbeat and rushed over to Joey.
He was about to hug Joey when something held him back. Instead he sat down
next to
him, gently saying his name. If JC ever had seen someone on the verge of a
breakdown, it would be Joey. He was soaked to the bone, his lips turning blue
from the
cold. His brown eyes were bottomless pits of aching pain, there was no will
left, no
hope. -Joey, JC tried again. -Please look at me. He reached out a hand and put
it on
Joey’s arm, feeling him grow tense under the simple touch. Slowly JC took his
hand
away. -Come on, Joe, he said, -let’s get you into the car. -No, Joey answered,
the first
word he had spoken since JC found him. -You’ll catch your death out here, JC
said,
-it’s freezing. I’m worried about you, Joey, if anything happens to you, it
would kill
me. Joey threw a quick glance at him before going back to staring out over the
water.
Because of the rain JC couldn’t be sure, but he thought he saw tears on Joey’s
cheeks.
Carefully he placed his jacket over Joey’s shoulders and put his arms around
him.
Joey didn’t welcome the touch, but JC didn’t let go. After a while he could
feel Joey
relaxing some, leaning into the hug. JC pulled him tighter to him. -It’s gonna
be OK,
he whispered. -Whatever it is, I’ll fix it. I’ll do anything for you, Joey...
Joey didn’t feel anything anymore, he had shut down all his emotions. He had
to, he
was scared of what would happen if he didn’t. But having JC hug him felt good,
he
allowed himself to be protected for a while.
Not long after JC could feel Joey moving a little against him and knew he had
to act
quickly. -Come on, Joe, he said again, -I’m taking you back to the hotel.
This time Joey followed him, JC didn’t know what had him the most worried, the
expression in Joey’s eyes or how cold he was.
Joey let JC put him in the car, and drive him back. He didn’t notice JC
looking at him,
he went back into the safe place in his mind where nobody could reach him.
They drove in silence. At the gate of the hotel, Joey felt a twinge of fear.
He was back,
he had wanted to leave this place behind. No, not the place exactly, but the
persons
inside it. Now he was scared, more scared that he had been in a long time.
Weaklily Joey brushed his hair back, his body felt powerless and tired.
Suddenly he felt
very sleepy, a beginning headache throbbed lightly at his temples.
The world seemed to go distant as JC led him out from the garage into the
elevator.
JC felt Joey leaning heavily on him and got to his room fast.
Totally out of strength Joey was about to just let himself fall onto the bed,
when JC
stopped him. -You need to change first, he said, keeping Joey on his feet.
-Let’s get
you some dry clothes... With JC’s help Joey got rid of the wet clothes and put
on a
T-shirt, socks and a pair of cotton sweatpants. -Do you want anything to eat?
JC
asked, -you haven’t eaten anything since breakfast, and that wasn’t much
either...
-I just want to sleep, Joey mumbled, moving for the bed. Once there, he just
collapsed.
Without doubting a second JC got into his own room and threw on a set of dry
clothes, before going back to Joey’s room.
On his way there he was stopped by Chris. -I saw your car pulling up, Chris
said
quickly, -did you find him? It was easy to see that JC was still mad at him.
-Yeah, he
finally said, -I found him. So what do you want? His words made Chris cringe a
bit,
but he didn’t give up. -JC, there is something I need to tell you about Joey.
-I don’t think there is, JC answered coldly. -Just stay away, Chris. You’re
the last
person Joey needs to see now, and I’m not too eager to see you either. I’ll be
with
Joey if any of the others need me. Chris was left alone in the hallway.
JC closed the door to Joey’s room, then got into bed next to Joey and pulled
the
covers over them both. Gently he wrapped his arms around Joey trying to give
him
some of his own warmth. Joey appeared to be in deep sleep, but his bare arms
still
were cold as ice.
A houndred thoughts raced through JC’s mind all at once. What had posessed
Joey to
take off like that, he must had been sitting on the bench by the harbour for
hours.
A simple argument with Chris wouldn’t have made him do that. Even if Chris had
been
a total jerk in the last couple a days. There were something really wrong with
his
friend, and JC intended to fix it.
Absentmindly he was stroking Joey’s dark hair that was still damp from the
rain.
When he had barged out of the hotelroom earlier, the only thing on his mind
had been
Joey. It still were the only thing on his mind. Lately JC had been thinking of
Joey a lot.
He still wasn’t sure if it was love, but there were some strong feelings
there. Just the
thought of what could have had happened to Joey all alone, made JC pull Joey
tighter,
hoping they could stay that way forever.
The time passed on, the storm knocked at the city’s door. Low rumbles of
thunder
growled in the sky, lightning hissed at the windows. The rain still pounded
down at the
ground mercilessly.
In the bed JC had fallen asleep too, still holding on to his friend. The
weather could try
all it wanted, both boys were away in the arms of deep sleep.
The storm went on for the night. It kept Chris, Lance and Justin up most of
the night.
Chris had told them that JC had found Joey, but that was all he had told him.
JC didn’t
know the full story, they did. It was one of life’s bizarre turns, the one who
needed
most to know, who had the greatest chance to help Joey, didn’t know the
crucial
information. Those who were kept on the sideline, did.
Sleepy JC opened his eyes, somebody was turning restlessly next to him in the
bed.
Still a little fuzzyminded JC reached out to put his arms back around Joey,
but stopped
as he felt his skin being burning hot. Now completely awake, JC sat up. Joey
was still
sleeping, but moving around, looking like he was dreaming of something
unpleasant.
His face had a hectic redness, and there were small drops of sweat running
down his
face. Hesitantly JC put a hand on Joey’s forehead, feeling the warmth emerging
from
the skin under his fingers JC knew that the time Joey had spent in the
ice-cold rain
hadn’t let him off easily.
Carefully JC tried to wake Joey, who now was mumbling in his sleep. It was too
low
for JC to hear. -Joey, JC said quietly, -wake up, honey... He gently shook his
sleeping
friend’s shoulder, -wake up, Joey. Joey’s response scared the hell out of him.
At JC’s touch Joey curled up in a ball. -Please, he whimpered, -don’t hit
me...I’ll do
anything you want... JC froze in his actions. For a moment he didn’t know what
to do.
-Baby, JC said softly. -I’m not going to hit you, you know I could never do
that, don’t
you? I love you, Joey, I would never hurt you, you mean too much to me...
-JC? Joey asked in a small voice, still expecting the worst. -I’m here, baby,
JC
answered and took the trembling Joey in his arms. -I’m right here and I’m not
gonna
leave you.
He had revealed his secret to JC. Now JC would be mad at him too. Why did he
have
to do that, Joey didn’t want to loose JC. Then JC’s words sank in. -Aren’t you
mad at
me? he asked, resting his head on JC’s shoulder. -Of course I’m not mad at
you, JC
answered, rubbing Joey’s back lightly. -Now tell me, did someone treat you
bad, baby?
JC fought to keep his voice calm, he wanted to take Joey in his arms and never
let go,
to protect him from everything evil in this world. And he might just do that
too.
-It was my fault, Joey’s voice was a bit slurred from sleep and the fever. -I
made him
do it. -It’s was not your fault, Joey, JC said, -it was never your fault. Just
tell me who
he is and I’ll make sure he never touches you again. -He’s gone now, Joey
said, his
voice trailing off as he went back to sleep. -Jim is all gone...
Jim...suddenly the whole picture became clearer. Jim had been Chris’ friend,
Chris had
fixed him up with Joey. Joey had told him what Jim had done to him. Chris had
not
taken it very well. It all made sense. And JC were still going to kick Chris’
butt!
Worried JC laid Joey back down onto the bed and watched him for a moment. Then
he
got out of the bed and went into the bathroom. After rummaging around in the
medicine-cabinet he found a thermometer.
JC managed to wake Joey enough for him to put the thermometer in his mouth,
feeling
extremely tired Joey let JC have his way. A short while later, JC took the
thermometer
and Joey dozed off again. JC was left sitting at the egde of the bed, staring
at the
numbers on the display. Joey’s temperature was close to 104 degrees.
After only covering Joey’s body with a thin blanket, JC went back into the
bathroom
and put a washing-cloth under the stream of cold water. When he put it on
Joey’s
forehead, he was rewarded with a sigh of content.
Looking down on Joey, JC couldn’t resist caressing Joey’s warm cheek with the
tips of
his fingers, the skin was smooth and slightly wet. The simple touch had JC’s
body
reacting in a way he couldn’t deal with then and there. A little embarrased he
moved
away, scolding himself for thinking about Joey that way, at a time like this.
Sitting on the bed, next to the object of his affection, JC got the phone and
got hold of
the hotel’s doctor.